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Change

What qualifies as change?
The fact that you chose a title before starting to write this post? While in the past, you've always left it for the very end.
Or that this post does not fit in your usual erstwhile fiction or optimistic posts.
Or that this whole blog does not look anything like it did a couple of months ago? The way it looked for years and years and you still hadn't become bored of the look, but just had to let go of the past.
Or that this blog being an image of you, says you yourself are no longer the person you were before? That there is no rest, only a permanent discomfort; lurking silently beside you; coming skin close every often.
Or that the problem now is not what to write but rather what to not write? What if you are robbed of whatever normalcy, whatever temporary peace that you have; and are left yet more shattered(if that were possible).
Or that your emotional strength is paper thin now? While you never had anything to go out and boast about a thick skin,…

Of Friends and Falling out

Friendship is strange. It carries in itself the happiest of moments, feelings, and surprises; as it does the heartbreaks, misgivings, and pain. It can give you a whole new reason to live, and sometimes, it can make you question your existence. And the whole ride goes from being just eventful to a rollercoaster level if you are an emotional person.

If you are a person who connects on the deepest of levels, with the strongest of bonds, even small gestures bring intense joys and likewise, even unwary comments can tear you up like an old piece of paper.

- - -

I have a confession to make. A fair warning, sort of, disguised as a confession. To those who might meet me in future or with whom I haven't yet, but will make good friendships. Hopefully.

I put trust in people, I put effort, and I dedicate myself to them. In return, I require all three.

Seems fair on the first look. But isn't as easy as it reads.

Want of cry

A comedian once joked that crying is like diarrhoea for the heart. It is messy and bad, but you feel light afterwards. That not being able to cry is like constipation; you are continuously troubled, and until you are all cleared up, there is constant unease and you can't find resolve or peace with anything.

It is a crappy reference, but it's quite true.

The thing is, crying is so hard sometimes. What if you can't cry? What if you try and try and that outburst, that uncontrolled hiccup-y, simultaneous stream of tears through eyes and nose, never comes? What if those controlled, silent tears on your pillow night after night have made it extremely difficult for you to cry. What if you don't feel comfortable crying in front of anyone and you have to think about when and where to try and cry your heart out.

So you don't cry. You are a strong person after all, with a smile on your face and calm in your voice.

But you are changed too.

You make jokes like before, but with…

Rules of Promises

The first rule of promises is, 'You keep your promise!'

The second rule of promises is, 'You keep your promise!'

There is no third rule

Sleepless nights

It has been more than two months almost. I am still grappling with the fact that I can't sleep. It is 5 in the morning here and I slept for maybe an hour in between.The restlessness that you get when you have to catch a flight/train very early in the morning and you have maybe an hour or a half to rest when you are in fact very sleepy after a long day but still can't obviously afford to fall asleep in case you miss it, is permanent in my case.I need the sleep, but I can't have it. And God only can help for I don't know where to go to find peace and solace.

Change

Sometimes, you want to scream so bad that your throat would beg you to stop. But you want to scream; you know you'll end up hurting your larynx; but you want that hurt; if it will cause a permanent damage, you want to make that happen. That's what you deserve. That's what you want. That's what will make you satisfied. You try to reach out to someone, but that someone's not there anymore. A change has occurred. The connection has been broken now. The string that crossed dimensions and continents once, lays but hanging loose, fragile.
Your heart aches, it literally aches with an undeniable physical pinch; and sometimes you think you might get a heart attack. But you're not afraid of death. No. In fact, at this point, you wouldn't mind. But not this way. This is not the way you wanna die. An elephant stays in the room when you converse. There are so many things you wanna talk about, so many things you wanna know. But no you can't. The care is still there…

An unusual work day

'Come on boy, come down now. It’s time to go. We are getting late!!', Ram hollered at the tree without a pause and walked towards and through the clearing.
Manu looked at him going out and started climbing down the tree. He didn’t like being left behind and Ram's going to the clearing meant the longer he took getting down from that tree, the longer the distance he'll have to cover to catch up with him; and that man walked fast.
So he climbed down fast and ran after him. 
It was his favourite pass time, Manu’s. Sitting on that heavy branch, halfway up the tall Peepal tree, and watching the sunshine break way and glimmer over and through the spaces between the rooftops and treetops early in the morning was the best moment of most of his days. He got up early, climbed that single, old, tall tree and sat there each morning till he heard Ram call him out to go for breakfast and start work day.
Breakfast meant a steel bowl of milk and a small pack of glucose biscuits for Manu. O…

Changing Norms

Watching PM Modi on TV boast about the historical feat he has achieved with demonisation had me feeling déjà vu yesterday.
Of course the first reaction was a half smirk-laugh that maybe we have reserved only for the most repulsive moments; moments which disgust you to a certain level of discomfort when you wish you could wash and clean your mind somehow the way you do your body. But what followed that was déjà vu.
If you watch late night American talk shows like me, or in this case, if you watch news at all, you would've seen a certain Trump conference where he boasts about the how good the Muslim Ban1 has been implemented and how everything is going so smooth at the airports. And because I had seen that clip so many times on so many shows, you can guess how I felt watching that part of PM Modi's speech on TV.
The more you see of these two lately, the more it looks like they are picking ideas and habits from each other. People outside of India even call PM Modi the Trump of I…